Well I can't begin to let you know just what I am feeling....

meowwww! I looked smokin :)

we are running, him and i side by side. as we run bombs and sirens are goin off. Its loud, everyone is dying. We still run. Everyone we know or knew is gone. We make it to a few people and a plane, we all board. We pack on, about 30 of us, like refugees. I remember havin a bottle of water, a little boy about 5 asks for some. I give him a little, but just a little. Who knows the next time i will see or have water. Right after i give him some he pukes, heavy and gross. As this happens i look out the window, the birds are flyin frantically and in dark black sheets. Animals are seekin higher ground, I begin to scream"Even the animals know somethings wrong!!" I scream this over and over in full terror. At that moment these robotic machines float in the air and cylinder shaped arms open, they spray a misty fog out and the animals fall to the ground. We are off the plane now and into a warehouse type building and a male voice is announcin this guy onto the stage. A normal lookin fella with a white button up shirt and black slacks comes out. He looks human but we know he isnt. He tells us of cleansing of the world, our people were too greedy, too gluttoness, too mean. The people left should be lucky. We were assigned jobs and cameras watched our every move. I worked for "the man" in the office. I remember the only place we weren't watched is the shower, other than that the cameras followed our every move. So scared, had no one in the end. They stripped me of everything i loved including Troy at the end. Lost and weary, working for the man like a drone. At the end i remember kickin down "the mans" office door and to my astonishment he wasn't man or alien he was worse....... a machine.

My nigga Dex rocks. She is AMAZING. Thank you for being a good friend to me on friday. Making sure i was cool. Here's to u being awesome when i was being a loser :-) On that note i have to stop bottling everything up. I need to let it out more often than i do, its too dangerous not to.

I am spoiled. I am truly happy and truly scared. It's like too good to be true. I love it though. Troyseph (with the moiseph)tee hee:b took me to the fresh fish comp it was Amazing. Seafood to the maxX. I love cuddling, I hate the fact (but love it oh so much) I cant sleep without him. :) He opens doors for me, he pulls out my chair and he gives me his coat. Breathe. He helps me prepare dinner which is awesome. I love this man. His family adores me, they treat me as one of their own. They do way, way too much for me but they love me. I try to pay I get denied. I am not used to this. Is this real? When do I wake up? When does reality, like normal shitty Jessica reality kick in? I am running with it but where do i go? How do i protect it? How do i protect this one moment in time from not fading as the others have so? Do i just believe?

grrrrrrrr. brat.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. . . . . . . . . . . . make it stop!

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
I love you so much. I fought it for so long. It's actually quite amazing how we fit. When I wake up all crazy, hair is a mess, mornin breath and all you still turn to me and say " you are so beautiful." I look in your eyes and our eyes lock and in that moment all is well. All is perfect. I love you.

and i love it.

it feels like a wolverine is inseide me tryin to escape.
fuck cramps.

Whoooosh........ It always go by so fast. Little sections and time frames of when it was different. Always changing. The one thing I can count on, change. I am so fucking happy in my life right now its disgusting. Its frightening. I have always wanted this kind of happiness, the funny thing is I fought it for so long. I found a good man, he loves me with every ounce of him. I could never ask for more. I am surrounded by good people(DexX). DexX keeps it real, we are the same type of folk. I am continually building my relationship with my mother. My brothers have grown up to be decent men. My dad still the greatest man i know. <3 JoJo, Chris and the kids are amazin. Aaron is getting so big and I am trying to be a better aunt. More in touch with Aaron and Boo. I have a new family here with Troyseph. Its amazing. I dig the family thing, I always have and I am very grateful for the many families I get to be apart of. I think of my Grandma Mary often. I miss her. It all feels so fake when you lose someone. My father says I sound different now. Better. Thats good, I didnt realize I was changing into dark. But thats gone now. Breathe.

Lets start with me. I moved out almost a year ago with my still best friend. I am still at kmart and for awhile there I was ready to bounce. Todd quit and we have a new manager named TG. He is different and now i want to stick around to see whats really about to happen. Desi and I are getting closer. I love that lady. I met A FANTASTIC MAN. His name is Troy. I work at the Esquire theatrere part time and I've met some intersting characters. Some are cool and others not so much. It reminds me of a smaller version of the pavilions only get this, more drama. Smaller venue larger drama. I am glad its not my full time job, I wouldnt survive. Everyone there is two faced and I dont like it. I wonder what they say about me. Troy and I are truly happy, we have our rough moments here and there but we are so used to being alone that i know we have to remember we are a team. Its hard for me personally to think someone could love me the way he does. He REALLY loves me and that is scary.

Friday was one of the most amazing nights. I am so happy it was Clem that shared it with me, a night full of fun. I stood up for a full 24 hours. Walking to Jamie's, the club and dancing, peeing in the parking lot laughing our asses off and Her friend Jon. Haha great times. No drama, just all out laughing and good times. Balls to the wall!

The last few days have been fantastic. Thursday I went to see Babel with Gina. It was good. It made me think about how we are all connected. One action causes others. Emotions high. Friday I got a chane to See Mr. Smithy who I haven't seen in ages. I got to meet his girl and his beautiful son. Its was good times. Then Gina and I went shopping. Which was awesome. Later that night we stopped by Jamie's an then hit up lip gloss. Fun times. James Brown guy rocked. Oh my. Then walking back to her crib we got a chance to talk to another hottie. Sat I went to work and had and had an awesome day. I love my Des. She cracks me up. All in all thngs have been great.

I cannot not believe this. I can't believe this. Fuck them. From now on I am no longer involved with these people. They are all fucked. My sister just threatened to take Aaron away because she CAN'T handle him. This is bullshit. I am pulling away now. This hurts like you wouldn't believe. Motherfuckers.

broken
I cant fix this
where did this begin?
It feels like I've lost myself
Yet here I am
thoughts like lightning strike fast in my head
awakens feelings I thought were dead.
Moving forward, yet stuck in rewind
Loss of time

Damn, I miss my nigga Chelle. It's like damn she just vanished. I was sitting here chillin and memories of our dumb asses started playing in my mind. She is my road dog. How funny everything is. We've known each other since 3rd grade. We are so similar but yet dramatically different. All the fun ass times we have shared. She would be proud of some of the songs I have downloaded recently. I miss my homie.

2006
the kissed list:

[a]anthony, adrian, arlene, aaron, adrian
[b]bobby, britney
[c]college p, Cal, Cherilyn, Chris
[d]dennis, dusty
[e]evan
[f]
[g]guy(from P esthers)
[h]
[i]
[j]jermaine, jim,
[k]
[l]lawrence
[m]
[n]
[o]
[p]phillip, peter, patrick
[q]quincy
[r]rich, ray, rich m., robert I, ricky t
[s]sean, suazo
[t]tisio, tom
[u]
[v]
[w]
[x]
[y]
[z]


haha there were some were females. bad jess. bad.

Everythings has been moving so fast. I like it. I have felt happiness again. Everyone who helped me to get here, thank you. I have learned alot this year and I am still learning more. I have actually found me and I like her now. I am content. It feels right.

the quiet things that know one ever knows.....

Mr. Peter nad I went to go see the covenant tonight and it was good. Magic and hot boys, what else could entertain me? We had dinner @ On The Border. They have really good food. Pedro and I got to play catch up on things. I needed that.I had a very fun and pleasant night.

My grams gave us all big scare and hopefully a realization for the future. I got a chance to see some of my family I haven't seen in a few years which was absolutely fantastic. I have missed Brandy severely and it seems she remembers and also feels similar. Awwww. Tear. Grams is better and that is great. For a little while there I was really freaked out. Her color has returned and so has her smile. I absolutely still adore my aunty Irene. She rocks. Its always good to see Lina. I missed her. I get to see Jon freakin Edwards tomorrow and I am really EXCITED.